HAMMER: Originally
employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining
rod to locate expensive parts not far from the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE:
Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered
to your front door; works particularly well on boxes containing seats and
motorcycle jackets.
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL:
Normally used for spinning steel Pop rivets in their holes until you die of
old age, but it also works great for drilling mounting holes in fenders just
above the brake line that goes to the rear wheel.
PLIERS: Used to round
off bolt heads.
HACKSAW: One of a
family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms
human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt
to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
VISE-GRIPS: Used to
round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used
to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETELENE TORCH:
Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your garage
on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside a brake drum you're trying
to get the bearing race out of.
WHITWORTH SOCKETS:
Once used for working on older British cars and motorcycles, they are now
used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2 socket you've been searching
for the last 15 minutes
DRILL PRESS: A tall
upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of
your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across
the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans
rust off old bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with
the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint whorls and hard earned guitar
calluses in about the time it takes you to say, Ouc....
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK:
Used for lowering a motorcycle to the ground after you have installed your
new front disk brake setup, trapping the jack handle firmly under the front
fender.
EIGHT FOOT LONG DOUGLAS
FIR 2X4: Used for levering a motorcycle upward off a hydraulic jack.
TWEEZERS: A tool for
removing wood splinters.
PHONE: Tool for calling
your neighbor to see if he has another hydraulic floor jack.
SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER:
Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for spreading mayonnaise; used mainly
for getting dog-doo off your boot.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD
EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes and is ten times harder than
any known drill bit.
TIMING LIGHT: A stroboscopic
instrument for illuminating grease buildup.
TWO-TON HYDRAULIC
ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile strength of ground straps
and brake lines you may have forgotten to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH
SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool that inexplicably has an accurately
machined screwdriver tip on the end without the handle.
BATTERY ELECTROLYTE
TESTER: A handy tool for transferring sulfuric acid from a car battery to
the inside of your toolbox after determining that your battery is dead as
a doornail, just as you thought.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS:
See hacksaw.
TROUBLE LIGHT: The
mechanic's own tanning booth. Sometimes called a drop light, it is a good
source of vitamin D, the sunshine vitamin, which is not otherwise found under
motorcycles at night. Health benefits aside, it's main purpose is to consume
40-watt light bulbs at about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might
be used during, say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More
often dark than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER:
Normally used to stab the lids of old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splash
oil on your shirt; can also be used, as the name implies, to round off Phillips
screw heads.
AIR COMPRESSOR: A
machine that takes energy produced in a coal burning power plant 200 miles
away and transforms it into compressed air that travels by hose to a Chicago
Pneumatic impact wrench that grips rusty bolts last tightened 40 years ago
by someone in Sindelfingen, and rounds them off.
PRY BAR: A tool used
to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove
in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool
used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
